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How to Be Popular

May 12, 2010 in Uncategorized | 5 comments

Y’all already know I had a bad day yesterday. Since I’m not one to whine and carry on about things, (I am actually a total whiner/carry on-er, but people seem to tire of listening to me after a few hours) I decided not to wallow in my self-pity. Therefore, for my good deed today, I am going to teach you how to be popular. YEA!

1. Take up 2 parking spaces. This commands respect, and also lets everyone know your car is nicer than theirs in case they didn’t notice on their own.

2. Name drop. People will like you more if you give them a run-down of all the really popular people you know. Bonus points if the person you’re talking to knows the same popular people you do, because then you two can bond by being critical of the mutual friends who aren’t present.

3. Drop your cigarette butts on the ground. This shows people that you are too good for even your own trash. Trash cans are for unpopular earthy people.

4.  Who cares how many grocery items you have? Get in the express lane. You’re popular now; you don’t have time to stand in lines all day.

5. You must tell people about how much money you have. If not, they might assume that you’re poor and then you won’t be popular anymore.

6. Say “I’m not one to give advice, but…” and then dole out any ole thing you want to. As long as you use this “but” statement as a preface, feel free to boss people around and then throw in a few “I told you so’s” when they don’t do things right and everything gets screwed up.

7. Roll down your windows and thump the bass on your stereo. It lets people know how big a woofer you have.

8. Correct other people’s grammar. People really appreciate this, and the added bonus is that you can subtley become the powerful one in the relationship. (People don’t like talking about it, but they actually love feeling inferior.)

9. If your child doesn’t win something, throw a damn hissy fit. There is no way your offspring isn’t THE BEST AT EVERYTHING, and you need to let people know that (lest they think you are flawed in some way).

10. Talk about your kid a lot and how advanced he/she is. Parents like this because it gives them something to aspire to with their own (loser) child.

Now, y’all know I’m not one to give advice, but if you don’t utilize the sure-fire tips I’ve listed above, don’t come crying to me when you don’t have a huge circle of friends (and an additional outer ring of people who are totally intimidated by you, which means that you’ve reached the pinnacle of popularity).

You’re Welcome,

Subourbon Wife

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Ethical Fashion Dilemma

April 15, 2010 in Uncategorized | 1 comment

I sometimes have ethical dilemmas, and it’s very difficult for me to decide if it’s in everyone’s best interest for me to MMOB or to step in and help someone when they’re making a terrible mistake.

As an example, I overheard a conversation between friends yesterday in the shoe department. The two women were conservatively dressed, except one of them wore bright plastic jewelry like your grandma used to wear. I had the vague sense that one or both of them decorated their homes with items purchased from the Cracker Barrel gift shop, but they seemed nice. The lady with the grandma jewelry was trying to convince the other, dowdier (read: un-bedazzled) woman to buy a pair of black shoes on clearance.

Grandma Jewelry: You have to get these. These are perfect!

Dowdy: But they’re velvet and it’s going to be summertime.

Grandma Jewelry: It’s the Midwest!

Dowdy: IT’S KENTUCKY!!!

Grandma Jewelry: They’re very progressive in Kentucky now. Lots of people will be wearing shoes like this.

Dowdy: You think so?

At this point I was just DYING to tackle Grandma Jewelry so I could tell Dowdy her pushy friend is insane. Seriously, does she own stock in the Black Velvet Shoe Co. or what? NO ONE in Kentucky will be wearing black velvet this summer, namely because it’s hot as hell and secondly because you just don’t do that. I’m not saying you have to strictly follow the old fashion rule of putting away your velvet after Valentine’s Day. But summer? No. Hell no.

Then a horrible thought crossed my mind and my anxiety kicked in. What if ole Dowdy is going to the Derby? Oh, sweet Jesus, please don’t let her go to the Derby in black velvet shoes. Please, please, please. Because the ticket-takers may allow her to enter and, on top of ruining those shoes, she will be the only Douglas fir in a grandstand of tulips. And that will be so very sad.

So there I was, trembling, mentally shaken, and trying to breathe into G’s empty lollipop wrapper in the absence of a paper bag. I tried to concentrate on what my friends are always telling me, that I don’t need to take on the problems of the world – fashion disasters presumably included.

I drug myself out of the store and told the Fix-It Me to shut up and not worry about Dowdy’s issues. Then I came home and obsessed over it for a day and a half. I was thinking of the friends who are always telling me not to interfere, when it struck me – they may call me a control freak, but they’re probably just jealous that they’re not as altruistic as I am. Yes, that’s it. Now I just need to locate Dowdy…

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Why I'm NOT High Maintenance

March 25, 2010 in Uncategorized | 5 comments

People have a habit of calling me “high maintenance”, and I’m being to think that may not be a compliment. So I feel the need to set the record straight. Rather than pleading with my public to change popular opinion, I will simply present the evidence. (Unless low maintenance people don’t have a public, then scratch that last part.)
1. I do my own nails. Mostly. I can’t stand to make small talk – especially when I can’t understand someone with an accent – so I’d rather do it myself.
2. I am too lazy to accessorize. I have worn the same necklace since 2004, and never take it off. Same for my watch, except I’ve worn it since 1998 or 1999 – it has enough soap build-up on it to bathe myself should I ever run low. I do wear earrings, but nothing crazy since they have to go with the necklace and watch. Also, I have a pretty nice ring, but I would have said yes to a pop top. My husband has never bought me a piece of jewelry, and I’m fine with that. I have enough. Really.
3. I sleep on Egyptian cotton sheets, but they could be any kind (as long as they’re at least 400 thread count).
4. I’ve never cried over a bad haircut. I just don’t care that much. (although I have cried over a bad spray tan, but that was only because it looked like I had poop running down the inside of my legs)
5. I don’t wear fragrance (but I’m not earthy – I do wear deodorant).
6. I’m not a label girl. I can be, but I’m just as happy wearing something from Target if I like it.
7. I only wear heels on the most special of occasions, and you couldn’t get me into a pair of pantyhose for anything in the world. I refuse to wear anything that I have to pull up, jerk down, suck in, or limp in.
8. I am a wine lover but I never drank expensive wine. I always figured I had enough expensive tastes, so why try to educate my palette when it would only make me a more expensive date?
9. I have never been the jealous type. I once had to drag a husband out of a strip club by his ear, but it wasn’t out of jealousy; it was because he was an hour late for our date and I had to go find him.
10. If you ask me to go somewhere, I can be ready in 15 minutes, shower & all. Unless you want me to look good – that would take longer.
Now that I’m thinking about it, I could be the lowest maintenance girl you know. What say ye, my public?

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Atrophy of the Mind

March 12, 2010 in Uncategorized | 8 comments

I think I was born without a right brain. Or maybe it’s the left – whichever side of your brain does math, science and directions – that’s the one I don’t have. Or at least try to use as infrequently as possible. But I do understand logic, and that’s why some of my pet peeves stem from the math-speaking world:
1. I can’t stand it when motivational people tell you to give 110% of your energy to something. It is just not possible to give more than 100%. DUH.
2. Ditto on the media telling us that 80% of our kids score below average on their tests. In that case, the average shifts! Double DUH.
3. What are people thinking when they say someone has changed – they’ve “done a complete 360″? If they did that, they’d be right back where they started. I think we mean to say a “180″. Come on, people, get with the program!
4. Who invented the phrase “It’s just like riding a bike”, meaning you never forget how to do it? I recently rode a bike in Santa Monica and nearly killed half its population, since I couldn’t remember the brakes were on the handlebars. I somehow reverted to my childhood biking experience where you just peddled backward to brake (which did not impress folks as I was crashing into them screaming “SORRY!” like Ellie Mae Clampett).
Okay, so that last one wasn’t math-related but I’m pretty sure coordination works on the same side of the brain. It would be too depressing to think I’m missing half of my other brain as well. Walking around with a quarter of a brain sounds like a liability to me. Thank God I’ve worked to expand the part that’s responsible for self-awareness (read: self-criticism), paranoia, and neurosis, or my head might literally rattle when I shake it.

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The Reunion: UPDATE

February 24, 2010 in Uncategorized | 9 comments

Oh. My. God. Listen to this shiz. We all know my 20th high school reunion is coming up in July (if you don’t know, click here). Well, I got the schedule of events in the mail, and get this: there is a BEACH DAY!!!! I can only assume that this activity was planned by either A)the girl at my high school who won Miss Hawaiin Tropic, or B)a bunch of guys. This has added at least a half dozen more cosmetic surgeries to my to-do list. The nerve of these people! AND the Saturday night deal, the one I bought the adorable silver sequin mini-dress for, is CASUAL CHIC. Even I have a difficult time categorizing sequins as “casual wear”. Damnit.
Who wants to go shopping?

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