One of my girlfriends says that baking in UV rays when we were younger is the biggest regret of her life. Now, first of all, I have seen this girl through many haircuts and boyfriends over the years, and the UV rays really shouldn’t rank up at the top of the regret list. Although -unlike hair and boys – skin damage is permanent, so I’ll give her that. But also? Are you kidding me? That’s her biggest regret?? And she’s even Catholic. Aren’t they supposed to be guilt experts? I’m shocked that this is all she could come up with.
Although I, too, baked in the sun when I was younger, I don’t beat myself up about it. I am too busy beating myself up over much worse things than wrinkles and liver spots. What I do regret, though, is going to the dermatologist and showing him my problem areas. I usually go once a year and have half my face, chest, and upper arms frozen off. It’s worked well until my last visit when I asked him to look down, you know, there. I had noticed a spot last summer that looked new, so I just needed him to look at it and say it was no big deal.
Which he did not.
What he said was, “This here is either a skin tag or a” – get ready for it – “wart.” AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! I immediately started covering up and crawling under the table and such, but he insisted on doing a biopsy. And I kid you not, this required not one but TWO shots of novacaine right into the hoo-hoo region. I lay on that table cursing the boyfriend I knew was responsible for this damn mess (and you know who you are, mister!) and praying it would all be over quickly. Verra verra humiliating.
Of course, I could hardly wait till I got to the parking lot to call M and all my friends to tell them what happened. (I think my friends actually look forward to my dr. appointments, because something always happens.) So here goes my public service message. My girlfriends in their 30s and 40s are aware of and most have HPV, but it seems that people older than I am are clueless. Let me enlighten y’all. It’s a virus that can cause cervical cancer. It’s estimated that 75-80% of people will have it in their lifetimes, and the ones who don’t are nuns. It is also the virus that causes GENITAL WARTS. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.
I’m sharing this bit of personal humiliation with you so you’ll think twice before having your dermatologist check out that little skin tag that you’ve noticed recently. Instead, you need tell no one. But time to let the Brazilian go, hon.
Also, if you’re a mom, there’s a vaccination for HPV nowadays. If your daughter has it, it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s having intercourse. Like that time I got mononucleosis in high school – I hadn’t kissed anyone, but then I found out this cute boy had it at the same time, so I let everybody believe whatever they wanted. (He later puked all over me in college, so we’re pretty even.)
And as for my friend with no regrets, all I will say is I HAVE PICTURES. Then I’ll cackle really loud and evil-like and disappear in a poof of smoke. Because that’s what best friends do.
