selfishness

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Relationship in Crisis

October 14, 2010 in Uncategorized | 3 comments

M and I may get divorced. Okay, not really. (I have been known to exaggerate.) But here is what I posted on his computer:

So you can see how serious I am, right?
It all happened when M sold the bankrupt company and went to work for the parent corporation. He gave up the office he’d been leasing and decided to (cue scary “dun, dun, DUN” music) work from home.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK! Not the dreaded [dun dun DUN] work from home!” I know you’re saying. But, yes, it’s true. He’s been here about 3 months now and I just don’t know how much more of this togetherness I can take. I think he is secretly trying to motivate me to get a job. (You know how he delights in ruining my life.)
I am open to any and all suggestions on how to evict a husband from a dining room. So far, I’ve mapped out some very well thought out plans on my own. Last week, drawing inspiration from “The Brady Bunch” (as I often do when in a quandary), I put a sheet over my head and pretended the place was haunted, but he didn’t fall for that. Tonight I plan to put a dead animal (whatever I find on the roadside) in the air conditioning vent. If that doesn’t work, I’m out of tricks. I may have to resort to having a conversation with him. But surely we can get this resolved before I have to take such a drastic step. I think my relationships work better when I expect people to read my mind, and then when they fail to, giving them a guilt trip for being so self-centered and disconnected with my needs. Good policy, right? But you’d be surprised how many folks disagree, what with all this honesty-mumbo-jumbo going on these days. So write me and tell me what to do, internet people. Surely some of you have faced this horror before me!

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Bucking the Cliche’

June 23, 2010 in Uncategorized | No comments

I fear I have become the person I never wanted to be. When I complimented the maintenance guy at the dealership this morning on their quick service, he said, “Yes, you’ll get to the pool early today!” Now, had I been wearing a swimsuit, this may have been understandable. But I wasn’t. And he just assumed that I had nothing better to do on a weekday than go lounge at the pool. When really, well, really, I had to go to the library and then maybe meet a friend for lunch and go to the gym before going to the pool. Oh, dear me. When did I become this cliche’ of a person?
When they gave me a loaner car, I begged for something sassy. “I drive a wagon with baby dolls and Cheerios strewn across the backseat. Please help me feel cute again!”
They gave me a small coupe, albeit Metallic Pea. It’s hard to feel cute when your car makes your skin look yellow, but I guess service guys don’t consider color palettes in issuing cars. Pity.
What was I…oh yes, I was talking about being less of a cliche’. Well enough of that color palette business. Let’s talk about the status of race relations in America. I just read the most interesting book Searching for Whitopia, by Richard Benjamin, in which he asserts New York City is actually more racially segregated (geographically) than the South. Also, he makes the very good and often overlooked point that racism does not require animosity, nor does it have to be intentional. This explains how it is possible that “racism” can exist without actual “racists”. Please ponder and discuss amongst yourselves possible solutions to the diversity issues facing our country.
This has served as Subourbon Wife’s contribution to society for today*. I mean, how many housewives are out tackling these tough issues? CLICHE’ WHO???
*You may need to bookmark this and refer back to it often to remind yourself that I am not, in fact, a shallow, daft, lazy, selfish, ungrateful ditz. (I just play one really well.)

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Marital Tolerance

June 22, 2010 in Uncategorized | 1 comment

Sometimes M and I have little disagreements. Like the other night he told me that I was acting bitchy earlier in the week. (Actually, he would never say I was bitchy. What he said was I was acting like a “bee-atch”, but that sounded so camp that I was reluctant to tell you at first.)
“What?” I asked, in total surprise. “How was I bitchy?”
“You said you had to go to bed early because you couldn’t be around my stupidity any longer!”
“Yes, AND?” I asked.
This is just like him – always thinking of himself. If he could walk in my shoes for one stinkin’ minute, maybe he’d understand how difficult it is to tolerate his ignorance on a daily basis. And did I ask him to go to bed early? NO. I selflessly excused myself from the family room so he could enjoy the remainder of his evening – stupidly. And selfishly. (Obviously.)
God, it isn’t easy to be the even-keeled one around here. He’s lucky to have me. I hope he figures that out one of these days.

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Gray Sheep of the Family

May 9, 2010 in Uncategorized | 7 comments

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I don’t try to be an embarrassment to my family; I really don’t. But sometimes these things can’t be avoided. (Or maybe they can be avoided but I either don’t know how/am too lazy/forget to avoid them.) Anyway, such was the case when I showed up to my nephew’s birthday party with eyebrows not unlike Benecio Del Toro. I know you’re thinking, “AGAIN? Really?” but my eyebrows are sneaky like my bangs and my leg stubble. They’re fine; they’re fine; they’re GOOD GOD WHAT HAS HAPPENED HERE??? And then I’m walking around looking all Armenian (except without the Kardashian body) until I can get an appointment.

In addition to the eyebrow thing, I showed up with naked toes. (Or “nekkid” as we like to say.) Okay, cut it with your gasping and carrying on. Naked was actually much better than the yellow polish I was sporting prior to the party. And please don’t start on me about the yellow. (When did you become so judgmental, anyway?) Little G begged her Mama for yellow toes, and insisted that we match. (Now don’t you feel bad about the judging? I’m practically Mother of the Year.) But obviously I scrubbed that off before seeing my mother, as that would have been too obvious a target and I like to be surprised by what she chooses to criticize*.

On a good note, I didn’t cause a scene by being inappropriate in any way. I did take the precaution of cleaning up the ole bikini line, not because I was wearing a bikini, but because I wore a skirt and you just never know when those things will accidentally tuck into your panties or bunch up around your neck after you’ve fallen down a flight of stairs (or something).

All of this was accomplished without the help of my biggest pep-talker, husband M. He stayed behind, as apparently running a bankrupt business is harder than you’d think. So, yes, I had to drive the entire 2 hour trip there (and back!) by myself, which gave me plenty of time to dwell on his selfishness. I guess some people will always be self-centered, pitiful souls that they are.

I am thinking modified behavior is the best gift I have to give. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

*Joking, Mom.

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Hugh Grant Loves Me

May 7, 2010 in Uncategorized | 17 comments

Husband M is shaking in his boots right now, as his wife is getting ready to have an affair. See, we’ve always had a deal that if anyone on our Top 10 Lists ever asked one of us out, the other spouse has to agree. What this means is that if Michelle Pfeiffer comes knocking on our door, I will gladly step aside for a night or two (or however long it takes her to decide she can’t put up with his snoring).

Our lists have been very passive, in that we don’t actually attempt to contact any of these people. (Okay, there was that time I waddled my 7-months-pregnant ass down to the casting call for “We Are Marshall”, but that was more about cinematic integrity than sleeping with Matthew McConnaughey. Am I the only one who thinks that movie could have benefitted from a sidebar story about a knocked-up cheerleader?) But things are changing. A few days ago, Hugh Grant began an online Q&A session. And guess whose question he answered – MINE! Take a look at our conversation:

Me: Do you dance often? Are you a good dancer?

Hugh: I’m a terrible, terrible dancer. And I dislike it, too.

You can practically feel the heat coming off the computer from the sexual undertones in his reply. He says he doesn’t like dancing, but what I hear is that he wouldn’t want to waste our time dancing when he could be getting to know my soul. I’d say he’s definitely interested in meeting me, don’t you agree?

You’re not acting as excited as I thought you would. What are you, selfish or something? Then you probably are not going to like what I say next:

I have been invited to the set of “The Green Lantern” this summer! Hooray for me! And hooray for Ryan Reynolds, who gets to meet/have an affair with me! Sadly, no hooray for Scarlett Johansson, whom Ryan will have to dump before pursuing a relationship with me. (Y’all know how I feel about women stealing other people’s husbands.) Scar Jo, I am sure you are a very nice person and you are indeed a fine actor, but you can’t stop destiny. Sorry, hon.

So you can see how I’m thisclose to not one, but two fabulous affairs. Although I am a little worried about M. I told him of this great threat to our marriage, and he didn’t even look away from the golf tournament on TV when he said “Mmmm hmmm”. Clearly he is in a state of shock/horrible denial. (Or just totally jealous that Hugh & Ryan love me, and he’s heard nary a word from Michelle.)

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