Oh my. I went for my first body wrap on Tuesday, and my self-esteem is just beginning to recover. (If you haven’t had a body wrap, I can save you loads of money by telling you to bathe in a mud puddle and then get someone to wrap you in aluminum foil. Don’t have aluminum foil? Try dry cleaning bags!)
Really, I’m sure these treatments are great for some people, but this particular one didn’t impress me. I was using a gift certificate that M & G had given me for Mother’s Day. SInce I’m into delayed gratification, I naturally waited until the week before it expired to make an appointment. I was told this treatment would restore all the moisture my skin had lost throughout my life. I was a bit skeptical about this claim, but still was excited about the prospect of walking out with the skin of a newborn.
Much like that Nazi yogi I had a few months ago, the esthetician assigned to me was straight down to business. “Take off all zee clothes,” she commanded. “And zee jewelry!”
She left the room for a minute and I peeled everything off and lay on the table, under a blanket. Soon, she came in and prepared zee purple mud. She wanted to do my back first, so she asked me to sit up.
“You always so skinny?” she asked, as if she’d just cut her hand on my spine.
“Um, yeah.” I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to apologize or what, but she said nothing else until I laid back and she caught her first look at my face and audibly gasped.
“You ever get zee eyebrows done?”
“Yes, I’m going right after this. I have an appointment.” I was alarmed, as I had clearly upset her. Although I really did have an appointment, it wasn’t for another 2 hours. Where could I possibly hide so no one could see me prior to then?
“You can take nap now,” she told me. Then she seated herself up near my head and stared at me for the next 20 minutes. It was disturbing. How is a person to sleep when being eyeballed by another? It was a very long 20 minutes, where I mainly thought about being too skinny and having bang-like eyebrows.
Finally, she stood and directed me to the shower. I saw myself in the mirror for the first time – a waif version of Barney with 2 cut-outs where my boobs should be, if only I weren’t so damn skinny. (I don’t know why they shouldn’t be newborn soft, too, but whatever.) I showered off and then she slathered some lotion on me and that was it. I tipped her well, mainly because I was afraid of her.
And the newborn skin? Hardly.
Baggy knees? Check.
Old lady hands? Yep, still there.
Elbow skin arms? You know it.
So basically I went there to feel more beautiful but came out needing to speed dial my therapist. I can’t believe I shaved my legs for that.
P.S. The eyebrows look great now, except for the tiny red patches where the wax removed my skin.
