saving money

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Technically Challenged: Yes, AGAIN.

January 8, 2011 in Uncategorized | 1 comment

When it comes to the use of technology, I am inferior to a 4-year-old. This is proven to me at least once a day as my daughter plays effortlessly on her Leapster kindergarten game while I repeat the serenity prayer over and over to calm myself enough to prevent the throwing my of my new book Nook through the window. Despite receiving this wonderful gadget the week prior to Christmas, I still don’t have a single book loaded on it.
Part of my problem is that I’m such a cheapskate. I refuse to buy a book before I see what I can load from the public library for free. Barnes & Noble is a lovely place to spend an afternoon, but they sure don’t make it easy to avoid buying their books. (Or at least not easy for me.)
I know what you’re thinking, as any rational person would. “Where is your husband? Can’t he help?” The answers are: 1)on the couch, and 2)he refuses. He says it’s my project and I need to figure out how to use it myself.
He says these types of ridiculous things when he gets frustrated that I don’t know how to use anything I have. A year after receiving a super-duper camera, I still take every shot on the automatic setting. (Who do I look like, Annie Leibovitz?) Two years after getting this Mac, I can only use a couple of the applications. And don’t even get me started on my iPod. iTunes seems to have a personal hatred toward me. I don’t know what I ever did to those Apple people to make them treat me this way. And now it’s Barnes & Noble, damn them. It’s like all of Corporate America is judging me and making my life as difficult as possible. “Why?” I ask. WHY???

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Not Dead After All

December 3, 2010 in Uncategorized | 4 comments

Stop pestering me about why I haven’t posted recently. I’ve had a terrible cold – the kind where you ache even when you’re lying perfectly still in a comfortable bed – and I wasn’t sure if I’d pull through it or not. Since it seemed like rather a waste to post messages for you to read only after I was already dead and gone, I decided not to risk it. But the good news is it appears I am going to live after all. My skin, which previously could only be described as cadaverous, has now shifted to being merely wan. And my voice, lost for two full days (you’ve never seen M so content), is almost back completely. It’s still kind of a deep, throaty voice that I’d love to have as my normal speaking voice instead of the chirpy one I usually have. (Note to self: research how to permanently damage vocal chords in order to sound Debra Winger-ish every day.)

You know how I don’t like to go on and on about myself (haha, snort), so I should mention that M and little G were also sick, although not nearly as pathetic or whiney as I. G, being 4, didn’t let it slow her down one bit. M chose to handle his cold differently, and his condition improved pretty quickly. See, being a man, M refuses to go to the doctor. So what he did was diagnose himself with a sinus infection. Knowing the doctor would prescribe amoxicillin (as they do for everything ranging from a broken arm to pneumonia), he took it upon himself to obtain the drug ghetto-style. He learned that amoxicillin is also used in fish tanks, so he simply went to the pet store and bought some. The medicine bottle literally has a picture of a fish on the front of it. Each capsule contains 500mg, so he fixed himself right up. (Please don’t interpret this as medical advice; I feel sure he will sprout fins any day now.)

With our keen ability to diagnose ourselves with any condition we read about on the internet or watch on TV, I don’t know why we shouldn’t be issued our own prescription pads. It seems like this would save a lot of time and not cost our insurance company nearly as much – although we would probably have to get it under M’s name, since some people probably would assume giving a prescription pad to an admitted alcoholic might lead to trouble. I know. People can be so judgmental.

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Body Wrapping: Not for the Insecure

October 7, 2010 in Uncategorized | 3 comments

Oh my. I went for my first body wrap on Tuesday, and my self-esteem is just beginning to recover. (If you haven’t had a body wrap, I can save you loads of money by telling you to bathe in a mud puddle and then get someone to wrap you in aluminum foil. Don’t have aluminum foil? Try dry cleaning bags!)

Really, I’m sure these treatments are great for some people, but this particular one didn’t impress me. I was using a gift certificate that M & G had given me for Mother’s Day. SInce I’m into delayed gratification, I naturally waited until the week before it expired to make an appointment. I was told this treatment would restore all the moisture my skin had lost throughout my life. I was a bit skeptical about this claim, but still was excited about the prospect of walking out with the skin of a newborn.

Much like that Nazi yogi I had a few months ago, the esthetician assigned to me was straight down to business. “Take off all zee clothes,” she commanded. “And zee jewelry!”

She left the room for a minute and I peeled everything off and lay on the table, under a blanket. Soon, she came in and prepared zee purple mud. She wanted to do my back first, so she asked me to sit up.
“You always so skinny?” she asked, as if she’d just cut her hand on my spine.
“Um, yeah.” I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to apologize or what, but she said nothing else until I laid back and she caught her first look at my face and audibly gasped.
“You ever get zee eyebrows done?”
“Yes, I’m going right after this. I have an appointment.” I was alarmed, as I had clearly upset her. Although I really did have an appointment, it wasn’t for another 2 hours. Where could I possibly hide so no one could see me prior to then?

“You can take nap now,” she told me. Then she seated herself up near my head and stared at me for the next 20 minutes. It was disturbing. How is a person to sleep when being eyeballed by another? It was a very long 20 minutes, where I mainly thought about being too skinny and having bang-like eyebrows.

Finally, she stood and directed me to the shower. I saw myself in the mirror for the first time – a waif version of Barney with 2 cut-outs where my boobs should be, if only I weren’t so damn skinny. (I don’t know why they shouldn’t be newborn soft, too, but whatever.) I showered off and then she slathered some lotion on me and that was it. I tipped her well, mainly because I was afraid of her.

And the newborn skin? Hardly.
Baggy knees? Check.
Old lady hands? Yep, still there.
Elbow skin arms? You know it.

So basically I went there to feel more beautiful but came out needing to speed dial my therapist. I can’t believe I shaved my legs for that.

P.S. The eyebrows look great now, except for the tiny red patches where the wax removed my skin.

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Stop Needless Spending!

May 25, 2010 in Uncategorized | 6 comments

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – uncomfortable shoes are the best money-savers out there. The key is to wear shoes that aren’t even remotely tolerable when you do your shopping. You are guaranteed to get what you need and get out of the stores. Today I wore 2-inch heels (which I know are considered “low” to some of you but anything above a standard flip-flop is “high” to me) to Target, and I seriously considered taking my shoes off at the back of the store and walking barefoot back to my car. If you are one quarter as obsessive-compulsive as I am, you understand what a rock-and-hard-place situation I was in. Instead I opted to be brave and, sobbing quietly to myself, I hobbled out to the parking lot.

Money spent: $0.00!

See, I didn’t necessarily have a shopping list. It was more an idea in my head of what I intended to browse. For one, I need athletic gear for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk in October, and you know I don’t like to wait until the last minute on these types of things. So never mind that I’m not even a quarter of the way to the minimum donation goal to be able to participate, I say we get the wardrobe in place and everything else will follow. (Often times, M doesn’t agree with my strategy, since I’m constantly working on my various clothing collections and I don’t seem to be any closer to living on a ranch or hiking Machu Picchu or attending a State Dinner than I was before I got something to wear for all these things. But I have to keep in mind that he just lives to make me miserable, so I keep my head up and continue shopping.) I also need new towels for the powder room, but the bathroom section is pretty far from the athletic stuff, so I didn’t quite make it over there. And I needed some groceries for lunch and dinner for the next couple of days, but the food section was way over in the opposite corner of the Target and I just couldn’t see myself crawling up the aisles to get there, since I was wearing a skirt and my knees would have gotten filthy and people would think I was doing God-knows-what, so I chose instead to come home and have 3 leftover chocolate cupcakes for lunch. (I have no idea what we’ll scrape up for dinner; do fish sticks and oatmeal go together?)

So I have proven myself  incorrect in theorizing it is impossible to get out of Target for less than $100. All you have to do is put on your hooker shoes before going in and you’ll be in so much pain you won’t even want to browse the 75% off racks. Trust me. Now, for you ladies (and hookers) who wear hooker shoes on a daily basis, I have an idea for y’all too. You should consider wearing fins and walking backward to shop. I think that would probably get pretty annoying after a while, too.

I just love serving my public.

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Road Trippy

May 24, 2010 in Uncategorized | 2 comments

I’ve just returned from a voyage to visit the in-laws. It went as well as traveling with a 3-year-old could possibly go, but I’m just not a road-trip person anymore. If you put me in a car for over 3 hours (particularly if sports talk radio is playing the entire ride), I go a little nuts. Some would say that, since M has no place to run and hide, he gets the short end of the stick since he is forced to have conversation with his wife. To them: Hmmmph! See, I seize these 6+ hour opportunities to air my feelings on everything from his (generally ignored) household to-do list to how we need to save more if I am to enjoy our retirement years in the manner I so richly deserve. (I think M really appreciates the fact that I don’t expect him to remember these things, and instead I frequently give him refresher lectures. He’s really fortunate to have me, don’t you agree?)

The first night of our trip we had the obligatory dinner at a Cracker Barrel, since there’s some kind of law that you have to eat there when on a road trip. If you’re a grandmother, I think there is an additional ordinance that says you have to buy overpriced toys or crafty outfits for the grandkids at the gift shop. I try to spend as little time as possible in there, and usually coax little G out by telling her we can play with the giant (no doubt ebola-covered) checkers on the front porch. Sitting out there this time, my stomach gurgling the enormous amount of grease I’d just consumed, I listened to Dolly Parton on the overhead speakers singing “She Drives Me Crazy”, a song by the Fine Young Cannibals back in the late 80′s. Let me tell you, there’s nothing like sitting in a rocking chair overlooking a parking lot and listening to Dolly to make you feel a little dated. But then I saw a big guy wearing a “You had me at ‘Bacon’” t-shirt and it helped me put things into perspective.
M and I had only a handful of hours of sleep the entire trip, since the in-laws’ guestroom has a full-size bed that’s tight enough for 2 adults without the addition of a 3-year-old kicking us in our faces all night. I played musical beds each night we were there, moving from the bed to the couch to the toddler bed, and back again. The bags under my eyes make me look like I lost a fight with a charcoal grill.
It was a nice visit with the folks, and then we got back in the car for the ride home. At lunchtime, we stopped at McDonald’s, and – I don’t know if this is how they roll in South Carolina or what – the Ten Commandments were displayed on two large tablets by the soda fountains. Weird, right? Who knew that McDonald’s, while feeding us garbage, did so in a God-fearing manner? What happened to all that “your body is a temple” stuff? Do they look the other way on those details while serving Big Macs??
We finally made it back to our house, and it’s great to be home. Part of that is due to the house being cleaner than usual, since I always tidy up before going out of town. (I don’t want any would-be burglars to think we’re slobs. Or if we die on our trip, I don’t want people coming to a messy house to clear out our stuff.) I’m very big on preparation. We are now unloaded, unpacked, and ready to start a new week. First thing on the grocery list for tomorrow? Bacon. (I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind since seeing that guy’s shirt.)

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