resolution

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Ask and It Shall Be Given

March 18, 2011 in Uncategorized | 4 comments

Here’s the thing. I’m a little stuck right now. I know a lot of y’all read this blog regularly, and I’m thrilled about that, but nothing seems to be happening. I need something to happen. I talked to my friend Cindy yesterday (who is a life coach and author of Play Your Way), and she suggested I ask the universe for what I want. And then I’m supposed to ignore my practical, intellectual side telling me all the reasons why it can’t happen and instead focus on all the different forms & possibilities stemming from my wish. And I’m supposed to write down all that stuff and say things to myself like, “I am a successful writer” and then it’s supposed to trick my brain into thinking I really am and make it a reality.

Now, I’ve never really spoken to the Universe before, but here goes:

Dear Universe,

Hi, how are you? I hate to trouble you, but I wonder if you might do me a wee favor? Some how, some way, I would like to be a paid writer. It would be wonderful to make a living doing what comes naturally to me. You don’t want me to go back to my evil corporate job, do you? Remember how cranky I was all the time? (Please don’t take this as a threat, Universe, but I think you and I both know that it’s better for me to spread happiness rather than going back to spewing bitterness.) Thank you so much for your time.

Subourbon Wife

P.S. I’m sorry for saying bad things about you in the past. I really suspected the North Koreans all along.

Okay, well there it is. It’s out there now. So today is the 18th and we’ll see what happens. Maybe it’s enough that I’m telling about 1300 of you right now. Surely somebody has an idea. Now, talk amongst yourselves.

Tags: inspiration, resolution

A Year Later

January 3, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments

Now a year into this blog experiment, I pause to reflect. Am I a different, brighter, better person than I was when I wrote this a year ago? Have I affected millions of lives by settling wars and saving the planet (simultaneously, of course)?
Huh. Perhaps not.
Did I at least self-publish the book as I set out to do at the beginning of 2010?
No, I guess I didn’t.
I blame you, of course – you people who said I should hold out for a real book deal. You lovely people who cheer me on behind the scenes and don’t let me forget my dream of seeing my name on a book cover. (On the flip side, if not for your worthless encouragement, I could have self-published this bitch a year ago and been done with it.) But seriously, thanks to all the addicts, alcoholics, and the sane ones too (you “sane” ones are the worst!) who make me feel my story is worth telling. Or at least worth about 3 minutes of your day, which is how long you generally stay to read. (If you stayed any longer, I’d probably be sick of you, too.)

Tags: alcoholism, gratitude, resolution

Stems on Strike

September 26, 2010 in Uncategorized

My body isn’t speaking to me. At least my legs aren’t. For 38 years we’ve had an understanding that we enjoy lying on the couch on the weekends, and the past 2 days I’ve really screwed them over. Our 3-Day team walked together for the first time this weekend, 15 miles on Saturday and another 15 today. It was raining for the last 5 today, but these other girls are some hard-core walking bitches, so I figured it wouldn’t make me very popular if I started crying and whining about my distaste for wet socks (so I just cried on the inside).

After sitting down for a bit now, my legs seem to be on strike or something. I have to slap my thighs a couple of times just to get them to stand up. Obviously, legs can’t talk, but I am getting a distinct “eff you” vibe from them. They seem particularly pissy when I attempt to go up or down the stairs, and take it out on me by shooting pains through my shins and knees. By tomorrow I think I’ll be doing a wounded soldier crawl just to get around the house. I wonder if people in the Target parking lot will stare when I stop, drop, and roll to the nearest Little Rascal.

Only a few short weeks until the 60-mile walk. I need to make peace with the lower half of my body before then. I think I see a massage in my future. Hear that, legs?

Tags: 3-day Walk, resolution

Treadmill Trauma

June 21, 2010 in Uncategorized | 1 comment

I am in worse shape than I thought. I know this because I tried to swim laps at the pool the other day and wound up swimming one and a half before I thought I was going to drown. Thank God I made it to the ladder, where I pulled myself out with a little stretch like I was just having a refreshing splash before lying on a lounge chair, in case anyone was looking. I didn’t realize I was such a poor swimmer; I will need to start wearing a life vest every time I go near the water like Bill Murray in “What About Bob?”
Realizing swimming is not my strong suit, I tried the treadmill the next day. I nearly killed myself when I first started, as I guess I punched in my weight when it wanted to know how many mph to go. I won’t go into how much I weigh here, but let’s suffice it to say I can’t run nearly that fast. I almost had to pull the emergency plug before I found the STOP! button. After that, I decided to go with the “Cardio” workout, where the treadmill sensors determine your heart rate and then maintain your workout within the ideal range. My target heart rate is apparently 146, but it was 171 the first time the machine reported results. The incline automatically leveled out and the treadmill’s pace slowed. It measured my heart rate again: 168. So it slowed again. When my heart finally slowed down to my “target” rate, I was practically crawling on the machine. Had I been walking outdoors, I fear turtles would have passed me. I did my best to appear like I was cooling down from a tough workout so people wouldn’t think the snail pace was my workout, but with all the gasping and sweating, I may not have been very convincing.
I’m going to have to get in better shape if I’m going to do this 60-mile walk in October. I don’t know how the hell I get myself into these things. Sure, it’s for a good cause (breast cancer research) and it’s a good personal goal to improve my physical condition, but did I mention all the gasping and sweating? I fear it’s going to be a long summer.

Tags: loser, resolution

How to Be (More) Popular

May 21, 2010 in Uncategorized | 3 comments

Last week you learned How to Be Popular. Now, back by popular demand (and also because I could fill a whole ‘nother blog on this topic) are more popularity tips. Since it’s Friday, you’ve got the whole weekend to practice your new moves, so pay close attention.

1. Talk about your religion. If people don’t share your beliefs, it’s only because they aren’t as educated as you are. Keep talking.

2. Use air quotes. All the popular people do.

3. Always split the dinner tab down the middle with other people. Don’t worry if you ordered a lot more than they did; no one likes to do math and you don’t want to insult them by suggesting money is an issue for them.

4. Clip your nails on airplanes or other public places. It lets others know that you are very busy and important and don’t have time to do those sorts of things at home.

5. Management: Everyone wants to feel young, no matter what their numeric age. That’s why you need to treat your employees like children. Everybody likes “Circus Day”, right?

6. 7am on weekends is the perfect time to mow the yard. If the neighbors aren’t awake yet, they need to get up. They’ll thank you later when they do something to justify their existence for once, instead of lazing around all day.

7. Tailgate. It lets people know the places you’re going are much more important than the lame places they’re headed, and to get out of your damn way.

8. Every parent wants to be a better one. That’s why they love to get advice from other people. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never had children of your own; you know all the answers anyway so make sure you share your knowledge.

9. Don’t answer your phone by saying, “Hello”. That’s for lame people. Instead, try snapping “GO!” when you answer. Similarly, you should never end a conversation by saying, “Good-bye”. Just hang up when you have finished saying your part.

10. Have a significant other? Or someone you’ve dated for more than a week? Time to squish your names together and talk about yourselves in 3rd person. As an example, Spencer & Heidi Pratt refer to themselves as “Speidi”, as in “Speidi is insanely popular.” I think it would be really cool if guys asked the ladies out like this. Like if your name is Bill and her name is Joanie, call her up and ask, “Hey babe, should Boanie go to the movies tonight?” Chicks dig stuff like that.