One for all the single ladies. (Or those of you who may find yourself between husbands in the future.)
Yesterday was our 7 year wedding anniversary and we celebrated by sitting on the couch. I know you’re shocked. But what with exerting myself for jury duty and all, it was just all I could do to sit upright. Despite the fact that my husband does everything in his power to ruin my life (see examples here and here and here, I’d marry him again in a second. I know how fortunate I am to have a man who puts up with my antics. I’ve also had a husband who hated me, so I’m pretty familiar with both sides of the marriage coin. Here are my tips for finding Mr. Right:
1. He must like the natural look. That way you never have to fix yourself up again and he thinks you look great. Double points for a man who likes girls in ball caps, because then you can get away without washing your hair an extra day.
2. He must be able to live in sloth. Any cleaning you might do will seem downright Martha Stewart-ish to him.
3. If possible, he needs an Achilles tendon. M’s is that he can’t tolerate a pair of shoes on the floor with the right one on the left and vice versa. With this handy bit of knowledge, I can launch a passive-aggressive attack just by re-arranging the shoes in his closet.
4. He must not be a jealous type. (You want to still be able to flirt with guys half your age, don’t you?)
5. He needs to be able to cook. Some of us non-cooking types would starve otherwise.
6. He needs to be one step below you in the social and looks department. That way, you can constantly remind him that he “married up”. (Husbands like to be reminded of that.)
7. He need not be afraid to change a diaper. I was recently outraged to find out my brother doesn’t change dirty diapers. I may poop in his car the next time I ride in it just to make a point.
8. He needs to have a job that will support your manner of living. (But when he gets that job, upgrade your manner of living so he always feels like he’s not making enough. I find that husbands like that, too.)
9. If you are an addict of any description (alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, etc.) he must not be one. Two addicts do not equal one normal person!!!!
10. He must not have a bad temper. Sometimes I have to poke and poke and poke M just to get a rise out of him. But I guess I’m glad he’s like that instead of throwing stuff at me.
There you go. You can print out this handy-dandy guide when you head out to the clubs. (Guys like it when you have a checklist while they’re trying to buy you a drink.)
