inspiration

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Dolly Parton for President

July 13, 2010 in Uncategorized | No comments

You know, I think the world would be a better place if we all resolved to be more like Dolly Parton. Seriously, every time you see that woman, she’s laughing and loving people. Maybe we should consider sending her over to the Middle East to negotiate peace. If anyone could do it, it would be Dolly. So, in an effort to spread joy today, I think we should review some Dollyisms:

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one.

You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Find out who you are and do it on purpose.

Leave something good in every day.

I never let a rhinestone go unturned.

My husband said ‘show me your boobs’ and I had to pull up my skirt… so it was time to get them done!

I’ve always been a freak and different, oddball even in my childhood and my own family, so I can relate to people who are struggling and trying to find their true identity. I do not sit in the seat of judgment. … I love people for who they are. We’re all God’s children.

Now do we all feel inspired to go out and change the world today? Let’s do it!

P.S. Yes, I woke up with “9 to 5″ stuck in my head again today. I don’t know why that happens; I don’t think I’ve heard that song in years. Also, if you think my promoting Dolly Parton is a subtle way of laying the groundwork to convince y’all that sequin dresses are considered “casual chic”, you’d be right about that too.

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High School Reunion – The Final Countdown

July 12, 2010 in Uncategorized | 5 comments

Those of you paying close attention will note that my high school reunion is just around the corner. This thing has turned into a major bust, and not because I got the breast enhancements I had planned. In fact, I didn’t accomplish a single thing on the reunion to-do list. It looks like I will have to attend the thing as-is: fortuneless, fameless, wrinkled, flat-chested, short, uncoordinated, and sober. I know, I know. Yikes.

The good news is I finally found a cute dress. You will recall that the dress for the Saturday night event is “Casual Chic.” (Yes, it is capitalized on the invitation.) Well, I found a whole gang of women in a boutique fitting room who agreed that sequins are considered “casual” these days, so we’re going with a sparkly tank dress. (It can’t be worse than this, right?)

In a shocking turn of events, my two best friends (bitch whores) from high school have opted not to attend the reunion. I think that gave M some hope that we wouldn’t go, either, but he was mistaken. I have this spangly dress and 6 months of hype built up around this thing, and we are going, dammit. (I feel like Molly Ringwald in “Pretty in Pink” when she walks into the prom just to show Blain he didn’t break her. HA.) If I don’t show up, it will just be one more smack in the face to the people of the Gulf Coast who are already depressed enough. And then the tar balls and BP will have won again. I, for one, will not let that happen.

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Give A Little Bit

June 23, 2010 in Uncategorized | No comments

This is the message I received on Twitter Tuesday night:
If you live in Atlanta @ShaunKing needs help packing 3000 tents for #Haiti tomorrow. No gimmick.

This is what I found about Shaun King:
Pastor Shaun King on You Tube 2:08

This is a picture of the un-air-conditioned warehouse where volunteers unloaded 3000 tents from a U-Haul, then packed and shrink(Shrunk?)-wrapped them on pallets to be shipped to Haiti on Friday:

This is who donated some of the tents:
r:tThe Ellen Show

Here’s how you can help:
http://ahomeinhaiti.org

Here’s how it will make you feel:
:) :) :)

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How to Be (More) Popular

May 21, 2010 in Uncategorized | 3 comments

Last week you learned How to Be Popular. Now, back by popular demand (and also because I could fill a whole ‘nother blog on this topic) are more popularity tips. Since it’s Friday, you’ve got the whole weekend to practice your new moves, so pay close attention.

1. Talk about your religion. If people don’t share your beliefs, it’s only because they aren’t as educated as you are. Keep talking.

2. Use air quotes. All the popular people do.

3. Always split the dinner tab down the middle with other people. Don’t worry if you ordered a lot more than they did; no one likes to do math and you don’t want to insult them by suggesting money is an issue for them.

4. Clip your nails on airplanes or other public places. It lets others know that you are very busy and important and don’t have time to do those sorts of things at home.

5. Management: Everyone wants to feel young, no matter what their numeric age. That’s why you need to treat your employees like children. Everybody likes “Circus Day”, right?

6. 7am on weekends is the perfect time to mow the yard. If the neighbors aren’t awake yet, they need to get up. They’ll thank you later when they do something to justify their existence for once, instead of lazing around all day.

7. Tailgate. It lets people know the places you’re going are much more important than the lame places they’re headed, and to get out of your damn way.

8. Every parent wants to be a better one. That’s why they love to get advice from other people. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never had children of your own; you know all the answers anyway so make sure you share your knowledge.

9. Don’t answer your phone by saying, “Hello”. That’s for lame people. Instead, try snapping “GO!” when you answer. Similarly, you should never end a conversation by saying, “Good-bye”.  Just hang up when you have finished saying your part.

10. Have a significant other? Or someone you’ve dated for more than a week? Time to squish your names together and talk about yourselves in 3rd person. As an example, Spencer & Heidi Pratt refer to themselves as “Speidi”, as in “Speidi is insanely popular.” I think it would be really cool if guys asked the ladies out like this. Like if your name is Bill and her name is Joanie, call her up and ask, “Hey babe, should Boanie go to the movies tonight?” Chicks dig stuff like that.

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Training for the 3-Day Walk

May 18, 2010 in Uncategorized | 3 comments

Y’all know how I feel about exercise. I generally find it to be evil. But I will occasionally do something for a good cause, so I’ve agreed to participate in the 60 mile Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for the [breast cancer] Cure this October. Yes, that’s right. 60 miles.
It all goes back to those super-fans I met at Jennifer Lancaster’s book signing. One of them invited me to walk with her team. Sure, she probably only asked because knew she I’d say no. But I guess I taught her a lesson, because I accepted. So now I will be walking with the Highbeams for 20 miles a day, and I’ll be sharing a 2-man tent with Lord-knows-who at night. (But I’m pretty sure this will be a bunch of do-gooders, so how bad can she be?)
I received my training schedule yesterday, and I’m supposed to walk 3 miles each day this week. I went out and bought a pedometer, but unfortunately it came in a childproof package and I wasn’t able to get the damn thing out until M got home. By that time it was too late to start walking, as I had already wasted all of my energy on impossible plastic and the cursing of it.
But I’m ready to go for tomorrow. M measured my walking stride and entered my goal in the pedometer. Three miles shouldn’t be a problem; I’m pretty sure I walk farther than that doing my daily shopping. (I should mention that I don’t consider walking exercise if I’m in a mall. If they’d put some shoes on sale at the end of the 60 miles, I could probably complete the walk in a day and a half.)
The good news is that I see new pink exercise gear in my future. Oh, also, I hope to raise $2300 in an effort to end breast cancer. If you want to contribute, let me know and I’ll send you my link. Let’s help our moms, aunts, sisters, daughters, nieces, and friends to get and stay healthy!
Cancer sucks. Boobies are awesome.

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