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Relationship in Crisis, Part Deux

November 21, 2010 in Uncategorized | 5 comments

I swear I am going to divorce that man one of these days. At least that’s what I think when we travel together (before I regain my senses and realize I would starve if not for him doing the cooking). Our problems usually start the day prior to a trip, when we agree on a departure time. One of us (I’ll let you do the guessing here) regards the departure time as a concrete plan. The other (again, you can guess) seems to believe the agreed upon time is just a starting point, like we might leave then or we might leave a couple of hours later. But then when that person is ready to leave, he means NOW.
“Is the car loaded? Did you put my suitcase in?” he asked before our last trip.
“No; what do I look like, Lindsay Wagner? I can’t move that thing down the stairs. Carry it yourself!” I barked.
So you can see how things get off on the wrong foot before we’ve even left the house. Then there’s the driving. Oh God, the driving. I generally regard brake lights ahead as a good time to take my foot off the accelerator. But my traveling companion, he thinks it’s better to continue cruising at full speed, and then lock up the brakes at the last second with only millimeters between our car and the one in front of us. And then becomes irritated because I’ve sucked in my breath and prepared for impact, as any logical person would do in such a situation. “If you’re ever going to have a shot with Michelle Pfeiffer, you’re going to have to shape up. I don’t see her putting up with this,” I tell him. Then he gives me a look that conveys just how much he’d prefer having Michelle in the car than me at that moment. Hmmmph. Can you believe the nerve of him? I know. He’s lucky to have me. I tell him that all the time; I think it’s good for his ego.
God help us during this coming travel week. Or at least God help him, because this could be the time I’m pushed over the edge, and we just don’t know what could happen.

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Relationship in Crisis

October 14, 2010 in Uncategorized | 3 comments

M and I may get divorced. Okay, not really. (I have been known to exaggerate.) But here is what I posted on his computer:

So you can see how serious I am, right?
It all happened when M sold the bankrupt company and went to work for the parent corporation. He gave up the office he’d been leasing and decided to (cue scary “dun, dun, DUN” music) work from home.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK! Not the dreaded [dun dun DUN] work from home!” I know you’re saying. But, yes, it’s true. He’s been here about 3 months now and I just don’t know how much more of this togetherness I can take. I think he is secretly trying to motivate me to get a job. (You know how he delights in ruining my life.)
I am open to any and all suggestions on how to evict a husband from a dining room. So far, I’ve mapped out some very well thought out plans on my own. Last week, drawing inspiration from “The Brady Bunch” (as I often do when in a quandary), I put a sheet over my head and pretended the place was haunted, but he didn’t fall for that. Tonight I plan to put a dead animal (whatever I find on the roadside) in the air conditioning vent. If that doesn’t work, I’m out of tricks. I may have to resort to having a conversation with him. But surely we can get this resolved before I have to take such a drastic step. I think my relationships work better when I expect people to read my mind, and then when they fail to, giving them a guilt trip for being so self-centered and disconnected with my needs. Good policy, right? But you’d be surprised how many folks disagree, what with all this honesty-mumbo-jumbo going on these days. So write me and tell me what to do, internet people. Surely some of you have faced this horror before me!

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Household Control

August 19, 2010 in Uncategorized | 2 comments

People have been telling me I’m a control freak for years, but I generally assume others don’t know what the hell they’re talking about and ignore their silly “constructive criticism.” But I’m now willing to admit they may have a point.
The other day, before going on a trip, Husband M made a list of the things he would need to pack. Now, let me stop right here and tell you what a miracle this is in and of itself. M is not a list-maker. Me, I’m crazy about lists – I have daily lists, weekly lists, and long-term lists. But, oh yeah, I’m supposed to be telling you what happened. Anyway, he had this list of items and I witnessed him crossing things off before he’d actually packed them.
“But I’m going to get them right now,” he told me, demonstrating what a list neophyte he is.
“No matter!” I snapped at him in what I hoped was a condescending tone. “You never, ever cross something off the list until it’s complete.”
And then I caught myself being the control freak. Here he was showing some real organizational progress, and all I was doing was trying to make sure he did it the right my way. So I apologized. And you know what? He forgot to pack his pillow, one of the items he’d crossed off the list early. HAHAHAHA Told ya.
So I might be a control freak after all. But I think we can all agree it’s in our household’s best interest that I remain that way. Priceless.

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Homeward Bound

August 17, 2010 in Uncategorized | 1 comment

I might die. I very well could, mind you, but I most likely won’t. Not today at least. I hope not. That would surely muck up things; I haven’t cleaned out my underwear drawer in ages, and that would just leave that job for someone else, some poor unsuspecting person unfamiliar with my “foundation garments”. But anyway.

I probably, most likely, won’t die today. So there’s that. Husband M and Daughter G left me again for another mini-trip- I know, this is twice in two weeks – so I’ve been alone and thus doing some serious thinking. And here’s the thing: somewhere along the line, these two people who control my life at every turn, frazzle me till my nerves are aflame, leave their shoes all over the damn place, well, somewhere they became my life. And, not that I’m not happy with me just being me, I am. But these people need to come home. To sleep in my bed. To breathe their sweet breath into mine, curl their sweaty limbs into mine. I need these people. Yes, the little one and the big grumpy one. Godspeed.

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Naked with Oprah & Martin Eisenstadt

August 8, 2010 in Uncategorized | 2 comments

The greatest words ever spoken were heard at my house last week. “I’m taking the girl to visit my parents this weekend,” Husband M said, in what I consider to be his 3rd most romantic statement ever. The passion was too great to describe in detail here, but I’m thinking I flew into his arms and then made him some microwave bacon, a nuance only his soul mate would throw into the mix.
I remained happy for another day, picturing all the things I would do and accomplish and be hailed for in the days they would be gone, until I crashed and burned when they left.
I forgave myself for the first day of my depression. My family just left me, for godssake. I deserved to lay in the dark and contemplate death. The next day, I instituted the Naked Policy (which is actually pronounced the “Nekkid Policy”), meaning I would rejoice in not having to put on clothes when no one is at my house. I cleared my TiVo selections and even watched a movie. I finished that scandalous Oprah book and also read another about this Washington pundit Martin Eisenstadt, until I realized halfway through that this was actually a political satire, and what I thought was inside politics was actually a bunch of BS. (Perhaps I should have Googled him – or at least have read the back cover – before committing my nakey time to chapters of drunken political rollicking which I am sure to get mixed up in the future with the actual true* accounts I’ve read.)
I awoke on the 3rd day a new woman. I TOOK A SHOWER (I put that in big letters as it was a MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT) and took myself to lunch (M left me Longhorn** gift cards so I wouldn’t starve while he was gone.) Then I went for a haircut. It turned out my lady was 2 appointments behind, and she was apologizing all over the place, so I got a facial instead and rescheduled my cut (okay, yes, and color) for Tues. Thank God it was a really good facial, or that right there could have sent me over the edge.
Okay, so here’s the thing. I was finally adjusting to the “me-on-my-own-nakey-and-ordering-takeout” thing when M called from the road today and said they are halfway home. MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!! MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!! My heart is pounding just waiting for them to arrive.

* I know there are no actual true accounts of D.C. politics.
** Don’t you judge me for eating at Longhorn. If you have one near you and snub your nose at it, I pity you. I really do.

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