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Relationship in Crisis

October 14, 2010 in Uncategorized | 3 comments

M and I may get divorced. Okay, not really. (I have been known to exaggerate.) But here is what I posted on his computer:

So you can see how serious I am, right?
It all happened when M sold the bankrupt company and went to work for the parent corporation. He gave up the office he’d been leasing and decided to (cue scary “dun, dun, DUN” music) work from home.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK! Not the dreaded [dun dun DUN] work from home!” I know you’re saying. But, yes, it’s true. He’s been here about 3 months now and I just don’t know how much more of this togetherness I can take. I think he is secretly trying to motivate me to get a job. (You know how he delights in ruining my life.)
I am open to any and all suggestions on how to evict a husband from a dining room. So far, I’ve mapped out some very well thought out plans on my own. Last week, drawing inspiration from “The Brady Bunch” (as I often do when in a quandary), I put a sheet over my head and pretended the place was haunted, but he didn’t fall for that. Tonight I plan to put a dead animal (whatever I find on the roadside) in the air conditioning vent. If that doesn’t work, I’m out of tricks. I may have to resort to having a conversation with him. But surely we can get this resolved before I have to take such a drastic step. I think my relationships work better when I expect people to read my mind, and then when they fail to, giving them a guilt trip for being so self-centered and disconnected with my needs. Good policy, right? But you’d be surprised how many folks disagree, what with all this honesty-mumbo-jumbo going on these days. So write me and tell me what to do, internet people. Surely some of you have faced this horror before me!

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Household Control

August 19, 2010 in Uncategorized | 2 comments

People have been telling me I’m a control freak for years, but I generally assume others don’t know what the hell they’re talking about and ignore their silly “constructive criticism.” But I’m now willing to admit they may have a point.
The other day, before going on a trip, Husband M made a list of the things he would need to pack. Now, let me stop right here and tell you what a miracle this is in and of itself. M is not a list-maker. Me, I’m crazy about lists – I have daily lists, weekly lists, and long-term lists. But, oh yeah, I’m supposed to be telling you what happened. Anyway, he had this list of items and I witnessed him crossing things off before he’d actually packed them.
“But I’m going to get them right now,” he told me, demonstrating what a list neophyte he is.
“No matter!” I snapped at him in what I hoped was a condescending tone. “You never, ever cross something off the list until it’s complete.”
And then I caught myself being the control freak. Here he was showing some real organizational progress, and all I was doing was trying to make sure he did it the right my way. So I apologized. And you know what? He forgot to pack his pillow, one of the items he’d crossed off the list early. HAHAHAHA Told ya.
So I might be a control freak after all. But I think we can all agree it’s in our household’s best interest that I remain that way. Priceless.

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The News from Subourbonhood

July 6, 2010 in Uncategorized | 5 comments

Gosh, I know y’all have been sitting around waiting on this post for a while and I’m sorry about that. But settle the eff down! (Seriously, you get upset way too easily.) It’s this simple – we were at the lake all weekend and then had to come home directly to prepare for celebrity guests.
What? Didn’t I tell y’all I have kin starring in the “Green Lantern” movie with Ryan Reynolds? Yes, well, anyway. Said kin arrived last night and slept on my sheets in my guest room and did whatever in my powder room before leaving for New Orleans to begin filming. (As you can imagine, stardom runs in my family.)
Anyway, after that, I had to strip the sheets, dust for errant skin cells, scrub the tub, etc., etc. to prepare for husband M’s mother-in-law, who will be visiting for the week. (His mother-in-law has an eagle eye. Some would say she passed it to her daughter but those people are obviously just looking for trouble.) [I must pause here to point out if I had a guest house I wouldn't have to deal with this cleaning-on-the-fly (but you know how M loves to deprive me of things and generally ruin my life).]
So you can surely see where I’m coming from and understand the delay in my telling you about my life. Now get off my case!
I have a little stomach ache. I hope you’re happy with yourself.

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Spies Like Us?

July 1, 2010 in Uncategorized | 1 comment

Have y’all been keeping up with this story about the Russian spies? To re-cap, several days ago, 10 people were arrested in the U.S. for being agents in an alleged spy ring. The arrests came as a result of a multi-year FBI investigation. There was one additional guy who was bailed out in Cyprus, but was supposed to check in nightly with police there. He did not check in Wednesday night.
Am I the only one who is baffled by all of this? First of all, I am reminded of the episode of “Gilligan’s Island” where the Japanese soldier takes the gang hostage because he is unaware the war has been over for quite some time. Did someone forget to tell these spies about the end of the Cold War? Some of them were married with kids and lived in the suburbs, completely assimilated into American society – and we all know what kind of super-secret government data we keep out here. Maybe they hoped a housewife would spill some details at the weekly bunco game.
And then, what about the guy missing from Cyprus? I’m no detective, but I’ve seen a few episodes of “24″, so I have to ask: did we expect him to check in each night? He’s a spy – they engage in these types of disappearing shenanigans all the time. DUH.
From the description of this operation, I think I could be a spy. Or an Interpol officer. Either way. Sheez.

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Bucking the Cliche’

June 23, 2010 in Uncategorized | No comments

I fear I have become the person I never wanted to be. When I complimented the maintenance guy at the dealership this morning on their quick service, he said, “Yes, you’ll get to the pool early today!” Now, had I been wearing a swimsuit, this may have been understandable. But I wasn’t. And he just assumed that I had nothing better to do on a weekday than go lounge at the pool. When really, well, really, I had to go to the library and then maybe meet a friend for lunch and go to the gym before going to the pool. Oh, dear me. When did I become this cliche’ of a person?
When they gave me a loaner car, I begged for something sassy. “I drive a wagon with baby dolls and Cheerios strewn across the backseat. Please help me feel cute again!”
They gave me a small coupe, albeit Metallic Pea. It’s hard to feel cute when your car makes your skin look yellow, but I guess service guys don’t consider color palettes in issuing cars. Pity.
What was I…oh yes, I was talking about being less of a cliche’. Well enough of that color palette business. Let’s talk about the status of race relations in America. I just read the most interesting book Searching for Whitopia, by Richard Benjamin, in which he asserts New York City is actually more racially segregated (geographically) than the South. Also, he makes the very good and often overlooked point that racism does not require animosity, nor does it have to be intentional. This explains how it is possible that “racism” can exist without actual “racists”. Please ponder and discuss amongst yourselves possible solutions to the diversity issues facing our country.
This has served as Subourbon Wife’s contribution to society for today*. I mean, how many housewives are out tackling these tough issues? CLICHE’ WHO???
*You may need to bookmark this and refer back to it often to remind yourself that I am not, in fact, a shallow, daft, lazy, selfish, ungrateful ditz. (I just play one really well.)

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