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High School Reunion Edition 6

May 4, 2010 in Uncategorized | 1 comment

Only 2 months till the high school reunion, and I still haven’t accomplished anything on my to-do list. On the bright side, I’m thinking since the reunion is at the beach, maybe people will be too distracted by the oil encrusted wildlife and crushed economy to notice my crow’s feet. AND, the beach day will probably be canceled. HOORAY! A big thanks to BP and the federal government for their sloppiness and incompetence in making this possible!

In reviewing pictures to send in for the class DVD, I figure I must include my prom picture, ugly as it is:

Well, ah do declare! Ah look like I just left Tara to attend the big dance at yonder plantation.

This dress had layers upon layers of tulle – you should have seen my waffle legs after sitting down for half an hour. I kept it for years but had to give it away when I lived in a one bedroom apartment and had no space (this sucker took up an entire coat closet). That was when I was dating M, and he inquired if I got lucky on my prom night. (Heavens no!) Then yadda, yadda, and I bid the dress adieu.

Prom night was not one of the higher points of my life, as it was another episode of what I would come to know and despise as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. (If you think I’m irritable in general, you don’t even want to think about my cranky bowels.) Spring Break kicked off the next day, and with it some definite highs and lows. I sprained my ankle playing beach volleyball the first day, and had no choice but to medicate with beer for the remainder of the week. (This would be the first of many ankle sprains to come in the next decade, along with breaking my tailbone on 2 occasions. I’m very lithe and graceful.)

My cute date is one of the funniest people I know. We remain friends, and we each adore me. When I cleaned out my basement last year, I found a note from the old days that said he loved me. “YOU LOVE ME! YOU LOVE ME!” I instant-messaged him. To hear him tell it, you’d think I were a high-maintenance, self-centered mess of a woman. Can you imagine? Obviously he is living in denial that he’s still in love with me. Some people just aren’t very self-aware…

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It’s a Mean Damn Time

April 29, 2010 in Uncategorized | 2 comments

Y’all know I like to post something weekly to all the alcoholics, and this one is for a dear friend of mine who just came to grips with the fact that he/she is an alcoholic. What a courageous thing to do, to start the difficult journey toward what is sure to be a better life. But as they say, “In the meantime, it’s a mean damn time.” If I could take this burden from this person’s shoulders, I surely would. But only because I’ve seen what’s on the other side and know that I will survive. (Insert Gloria Gaynor here.)
As a matter of coincidence, there is an article you really must read today on ABC News about mothers who drink. That is the topic of 20/20 tomorrow night. Some of the people you least expect may be closet alcoholics. I know a woman who can’t go to her daily tennis match without a shot of vodka to control her anxiety first. I’m not saying this so you can suspect all of your friends have drinking problems; I’m just saying the problem is far more common than you’d think. Only a small percentage of alcoholics are the live-under-the-bridge sort; the rest of us are the thank-God-I-got-sober-before-I-had-to-live-under-a-bridge kind. Because it’s all just a matter of “yets” and “How low do you really want to go?” intellectualizing.
I said from the creation of this blog that if it helps just one person out there, it will be worth it. Today I am touched and honored that my friend felt he/she could confide in me. If you want to send Alcoholic X a good word, you can do so in the comments. Thanks for reading. Y’all have a great day!
UPDATE: I should have said that I disagree with the ABC article on one point. One doesn’t “complete” a 12-step program any more than a person who recovers from a heart attack goes back to his old lifestyle. The person with the heart condition changes his diet, exercises, etc. He has a health problem he has to live with for the rest of his life, and unless he does the things he is supposed to do to stay healthy, he will die. The same applies for alcoholic/addicts. (I don’t speak on behalf of any recovery program, only what I’ve learned from my studies about the disease of alcoholism.) I know and respect what I need to do to stay sober today. I’ll worry about tomorrow when it comes.

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High School Reunion, 4th Edition

April 14, 2010 in Uncategorized | 3 comments

My fans (both of them) keep asking me about my upcoming high school reunion. (Read earlier updates here and here.) Like, did I ever find anything to wear? No. How am I doing on my to-do list? Surprisingly, I haven’t been able to accomplish a single one of those tasks. Plus, I realized I didn’t include anything about my face, so I actually need to add a half dozen other treatments/surgeries to the list.
It’s enough to make a girl pretty depressed. But then, in what I like to think of as a sign from God, I stumbled across some old pictures. I think His message was, “Hon, look how you looked back then. Do you really think you could possibly look any worse than this?” And I have to hand it to God, He really makes a good point. Let’s take a look.

There are so many things wrong with this picture, I hardly know where to begin. First off, why am I wearing bright yellow? Because I knew I would be the only one in yellow (because most everyone else has the good sense not to wear yellow satin).

What’s up with the hair and make-up? You mean the beehive? I want to say it just looks bad in this picture, but the truth is it looked awful even back then. That’s what I get for having the old ladies down at the local shop do my ‘do. I’m embarrassed to admit that when I found this picture, I found that I’d pressed my lovely yellow babies’ breath (worn in the back of my twist) with it. PURDY!

The make-up was/is awful. We were told to wear heavy stage make-up. I want to strangle whoever told us that, as we all look like hookers in the pictures.

But I thought you said you were scrawny in high school. Yes, I was. At 89 lbs, it would have taken great fashion engineering to make me appear chubby. But with this shiny rouchey thing, I think my dressmaker did it with her hands tied behind her back.

Who is your cute date? HANDS OFF, LADIES. He’s MINE, MINE, MINE!!! [regains composure and realizes it's 20 years later] Oh, he’s no one you’d know.

Stay tuned next week for the Christmas Prom dress. It’s super-fine.

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Spring Break Warning

April 2, 2010 in Uncategorized | 3 comments

The kids will be out next week for Spring Break and coincidentally (wink, wink), April is National Alcohol Awareness Month. When we were in high school, we were pretty smart about drinking. Except for the small inconvenience of our parties being regularly busted by the cops, we had fun and looked out for one another. For example, lesson number one is to always keep up with your friends. Don’t leave them behind, don’t let them walk away with boys you don’t know (or some you do), don’t let them do stupid stuff like get on the roof or go swimming or driving, don’t let them drink waaay too much, and – for God’s sake – ROLL THEM ON THEIR STOMACHS IF THEY PASS OUT! We didn’t do drugs (unless you count pot), but I suppose I should mention that you shouldn’t combine drink & drug. Also, nowadays everybody has a camera phone and your picture could show up on the worldwide web tomorrow, so try not to do anything that will keep you from being able to run for public office later in life.
All of this will probably slip your mind within minutes, but here’s something that will haunt your memory forever. I like to call it “One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!”

This was the hottest girl at our high school. Okay, fine, I lied about that. This is actually me, after my first taste of tequila. (I’m pretty sure I’m not running for public office, so it’s okay.) I thought I could hang with the boys, but my friends started giving me shots of water and I didn’t even notice, so obviously I was mistaken. I’m not passed out in this picture, just taking a break from puking. It would be almost 20 years before I could even stand the aroma of tequila again, and then only if it was in a margarita. No more sucking the lime, licking the salt for me. I recommend, if you want your kids to stop drinking, you give them a few shots of that nasty poison. Or give them a LOT of champagne. I only had that acid once in college, and I will never have it again due to the worst hangover known to man.
So there. I feel like I’ve done my April duty of making everyone aware of alcohol. Happy Spring Break!

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The Ups Keep Getting Upper!

March 10, 2010 in Uncategorized | 1 comment

Have I told y’all I’m a little spoiled? I’m sure you can’t tell by my writing, but it’s true. Days like today remind me to be grateful for every little good thing I have in my life. I woke up this morning and M had made my coffee before going to work. Little G didn’t have to be chased around the house to get her dressed. I got in the car and M had put a golf umbrella on my front seat (it’s raining out). Three friends called to check in with me. My yoga class was especially good. The awesome broccoli salad was on sale at the grocery. Just an ordinary day for me, but filled with so many blessings when I stop to take note of them. I hope you can count your blessings today, and they bring you joy.
(I know this has been a rather serious post for me, but EVEN I have to talk about something bigger than myself every once in a blue moon. Shallowness and self-absorption to return tomorrow!)

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