The Road to Losertown

Today I think we should discuss the loser women who have low self-esteem. You know the type. They probably have trouble getting out of bed some days, can’t take a compliment worth a shit, and think they don’t deserve to breathe oxygen because somebody better than them might need it. These poor broads probably have distorted body images, watch a lot of E! television, and most likely can’t do math worth a damn. They also have absolutely no sense of direction, and may call someone for urgent help, even when they’re only a mile from their home. Now what do you suppose happened to me these ladies to make them like this?

In interviewing a panel of experts on low self-esteem, I noticed a common thread among women who were picked last for every sport ever played. My daughter isn’t old enough for this yet, so I don’t know if teachers are still evil backstabbers who will love you one minute and then turn the power over to your peers the next. But I need to tell you that the “picked last: low self-esteem” correlation is very high (according to the panel).

Children who were told, “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back” and had anxiety attacks each time they encountered a crumbling sidewalk did not fare well in the self-esteem department as adults. In a preliminary study, it appears there may be a link between panic attacks and the enormous consumption of chocolate ice cream.

Girls who were absent that day in 3rd grade when they taught fractions and could never catch up after that are less likely to pursue technological careers (or major in any subject that requires math beyond Algebra I). In their minds, they may believe that work doesn’t suit them and they should just sit around eating bon-bons all day. Attention Husbands: if this is the case with your wife, it is very important for you to support her endeavors. Just give her your damn credit card and leave her alone. Note: NEVER under any circumstances should you inquire as to if she really needed what she just purchased!!!!!!

Girls who wear glasses (even if they are cute pink ones with Bugs Bunny on the sides) are less likely to have healthy self-esteem, even after they’ve worn contacts for 15 years and had Lasik surgery for an additional 10. In a grown woman’s head, she will always think of herself as the girl with glasses and tangly blond hair (or, you know, brown. Whatever).

Girls who never, ever had a partner of the opposite sex for the “Couple’s Skate” are more likely to become wallflowers later in life. If the girl is never able to master the backward-skate, she doesn’t stand a chance.

If a girl were to pay $10 to join the Ricky Schroeder Fan Club and didn’t even receive a stinkin’ signed photograph from him, she will most likely develop low self esteem. Interestingly, if the same girl is later stood up on what is supposed to be her first date, she will grow up to be an alcoholic. (Even if the stander-upper later apologizes and takes her to a Dave Matthews concert down at the old Lakewood Amphitheater, and then gets engaged to a girl who looks just like her, the damage is already done.)

The panel doesn’t lie, people. If you have daughters, please take heed. You don’t want them to grow up and be as pathetic as the lame-o women I’ve described, do you? Because, from what I can tell, they’re a pretty bitter lot.