Hugh Grant Loves Me

Husband M is shaking in his boots right now, as his wife is getting ready to have an affair. See, we’ve always had a deal that if anyone on our Top 10 Lists ever asked one of us out, the other spouse has to agree. What this means is that if Michelle Pfeiffer comes knocking on our door, I will gladly step aside for a night or two (or however long it takes her to decide she can’t put up with his snoring).

Our lists have been very passive, in that we don’t actually attempt to contact any of these people. (Okay, there was that time I waddled my 7-months-pregnant ass down to the casting call for “We Are Marshall”, but that was more about cinematic integrity than sleeping with Matthew McConnaughey. Am I the only one who thinks that movie could have benefitted from a sidebar story about a knocked-up cheerleader?) But things are changing. A few days ago, Hugh Grant began an online Q&A session. And guess whose question he answered – MINE! Take a look at our conversation:

Me: Do you dance often? Are you a good dancer?

Hugh: I’m a terrible, terrible dancer. And I dislike it, too.

You can practically feel the heat coming off the computer from the sexual undertones in his reply. He says he doesn’t like dancing, but what I hear is that he wouldn’t want to waste our time dancing when he could be getting to know my soul. I’d say he’s definitely interested in meeting me, don’t you agree?

You’re not acting as excited as I thought you would. What are you, selfish or something? Then you probably are not going to like what I say next:

I have been invited to the set of “The Green Lantern” this summer! Hooray for me! And hooray for Ryan Reynolds, who gets to meet/have an affair with me! Sadly, no hooray for Scarlett Johansson, whom Ryan will have to dump before pursuing a relationship with me. (Y’all know how I feel about women stealing other people’s husbands.) Scar Jo, I am sure you are a very nice person and you are indeed a fine actor, but you can’t stop destiny. Sorry, hon.

So you can see how I’m thisclose to not one, but two fabulous affairs. Although I am a little worried about M. I told him of this great threat to our marriage, and he didn’t even look away from the golf tournament on TV when he said “Mmmm hmmm”. Clearly he is in a state of shock/horrible denial. (Or just totally jealous that Hugh & Ryan love me, and he’s heard nary a word from Michelle.)