Help for Hollywood

January 18, 2010 in Uncategorized | 1 comment

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Mariah Carey has no friends. If she did, they wouldn’t have let her leave the house with her saggy girls hanging out YET AGAIN. The really unfortunate part about last night was that her dress wasn’t completely heinous. I think it could have actually worked on someone like Blake Lively (read: someone 15 years younger and a couple of cup sizes smaller). In an effort to balance my comments, I will now say something nice: they don’t appear to be fake.

Dear Drew, Jennifer, Christina, Jenna, Emily & Other Nude People, Who told y’all that color (if it can be called a color) looks good on people? You all look frightful.* P.S. Drew, there is something resembling a sponge stuck to your hip.
Courteney Cox is a Southern girl (HOLLA!) and I thought she looked great in her black dress and big black teardrop earrings.
Tina Fey, please call me. We really need to talk.
Penelope Cruz is gorgeous and what a body. She looks great but manages not to look starved like half the actresses. It appears that all of Hollywood needs to eat a burger (not you, Mo’Nique!)
Kate Hudson looked different from the rest in white and I liked it. But haven’t we seen that neckline before? I want to say on Kate Winslet, maybe?
Sandra Bullock – I think she and I would be friends. She spent some time at my rehab preparing for her part in “28 Days”. So I mean this in the friendliest way, but is that the best dress she could find? I’m proud of her for being one of the very few to wear color, so bravo Sandy! But it seemed awfully plain and prom-like otherwise. I am going to assume, for the sake of our friendship, that it looked better in person.
Glenn Close, Helen Mirren, Sigourney Weaver – hot mamas. May we all be so lucky! (Nice try, Rita.)
Bonus points to Olivia Wilde, who is auctioning her dress and others with the proceeds going to Haiti.
I must say that an unexpected delight of watching the red carpet this year was seeing all the actresses’ bitchy expressions instantly change to ecstatic smiling once they hit their marks, and then go back to bitchy once their umbrella handlers had them safely covered again. FANTASTIC.
*Looking “frightful”, they still look 10 times better than I’ve ever looked in my life. I’m just saying I think they could look better if they weren’t wearing clear.
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