The Good Mother

September 20, 2011 in Uncategorized | 2 comments

There’s been a lot happening around here. I don’t mean to imply anything interesting, just a lot of stuff. First off, Little G has started kindergarten…and, yes, of course I had a mini-breakdown. (Nothing crazy though, don’t get yourself all in a twit.) But is this what it’s like having a school-aged kid? Because this is a full-time job. Has anyone ever told y’all that?

I suppose my panic has something to do with my new j-j-j-JOB. Yes, you heard me. I finally broke down and got one of those part-time thingies. YIKES. But work isn’t bad at all compared to the PTA. There are women who commit their lives to our schools. I suppose all of you with kids already know about this. God bless them all, but I can’t be one of them. It’s just like I told M when we went to our first school meeting, “Whatever happens, don’t let me volunteer to be Room Mom!”

“Got it,” he said.

So on our way out, when I was telling him I was Room Mom, he wanted to know, “What happened?” I felt so ashamed of my answer. While he was talking to the other dads about football (not even the SEC!), I was surrounded and attacked by the mothers. (Surely a more experienced mom would have recognized these tactics but I’m new and fell easy prey to their promises of an easy job with lots of help.)

Now I may be one of them – a PTA mom. I hiccup a little just saying it. I really want to go on and ponder what happened to the cool person who used to occupy my body, but I don’t have time because I have to come up with a classroom door decoration. If I get a break between going over sight words and the “Diversity” project, I’ll tell you all about it.

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Cool Cat?

July 19, 2011 in Uncategorized | 3 comments

Trust me. Once you get a cat, your cool status is over. You’re automatically labeled a “cat person”, which I personally don’t think is fair. At all. I mean, just because my kid wants a cat – and I indulge her – how does this make me a cat lover?

Just to be fair, what if I let you read the adoption form – the one that asks the question what we’ll do if the cat tears up the furniture and my husband M responded “hide from my wife” – would that influence your opinion? And what if you were privy to the many discussions – including my dislike for cats, cat posters, cat witticisms, etc. – that were part of the adoption interview process? What would you think now?

The only thing I promised was that we’d give the damn cat a good home. (I won’t turn any living being out onto the street, even if it’s just a cat.) But I never committed to belonging to a (the?) cat society.

Now, fast forward to PEOPLE. PEOPLE, the slobs of our society who judge us daily, will categorize you as a cat lover in an instant. (Particularly “Cat People” – they want you to join so badly it just kills them.) As an example, my mother – my own sweet (heh!) mother – has recently betrayed me by gifting me with cat crap. Actually, I should clarify. Mom gave the gifts to G, as she is Cat’s rightful mistress. And, despite G being a mere 5 years of age, she is now the proud owner of 1) 2 cat coffee mugs, 2) a cat plant hanger, and 3) cat book labels – (“Ex Libris”!).

So work with me, people. I’m taking a stand to say that cat owners and cool people can exist harmoniously – or bi-polarly – or whatever. What I mean is that we, as individuals, can live in both worlds. One minute I’m entranced by the cat attacking the Oriental rug, and the next I’m grooving to Ricky Martin and watching re-runs of the “Golden Girls”. So who says I can’t be both frisky AND super-cool? Give me some credit, folks. It’s called “dimensional.” DUH.

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Summer, So Far

July 11, 2011 in Uncategorized | 1 comment

Hello, yes, it’s been a while. Not much, how ’bout you?

I want to tell you I’ve been volunteering for all different causes – saving rain forests, eradicating world hunger and whatnot -but the truth is that it’s a very busy time of year for the Subourbon family. Summer is the season we generally reserve for inviting ourselves (and then overstaying our welcome) to all of our friends’ second homes. ~ Oh, come on. Knock off the judgment, will ya? I mean, you may turn your nose up at us, but you can’t deny our flair. We’ve had a fabulous summer dawdling in multiple semi-chic destinations – and all with a single mortgage payment! How can you beat that?

We’ve become so astute at this art of home-mooching that we’re sometimes granted entry to the same places year after year, and even add new destinations from time to time. I think the key to it (along with our undeniable charisma) is having an entertaining, polite child. If it were strictly up to M & me, I don’t know that we could pull it off. But if you add a kid to the mix and teach her a couple of songs and dances, we’re pretty good company.

The problem is that G keeps aging. I mean, she’ll be 5 before long! How can she do this to me? (Oh sorry, I know that probably sounded self-centered. What I meant was, “How can she do this to us?”) The invitations could be drying up before long, but you know as we say down here, “Tomorrow is another day.”

So, yes, the point of this post is to let you know we’re having a great summer, and you shouldn’t be worried. Oh, and also to ask if you own a place anywhere I want to visit.

And, I almost forgot, if you’re not following Jenny Milchman (soon-to-be-known author and Friend to Subourbon Wife {FSW}, and you have kids – and like books -you’re missing out. Poor you.

Status Check: Are we all healthy and happy and relatively sober? Well, good then. If not, phone a friend, or make a decision, or email/call anonymously and ask for help. There are people who love you that you haven’t even met yet – and they probably know you much better than you know yourself. Seriously; no lie; for real. I mean it.

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It’s Not You; It’s Me

June 8, 2011 in Uncategorized | 4 comments

I’m not ignoring you. But I have to confess that you’re difficult to talk to sometimes. And by that, I mean that I wrote a new post (the BEST EVER!!) and then tried to delete one extra line, and the entire thing disappeared. As far as I know, these blog thingies don’t have a “back” button, so I would’ve had to re-write the whole thing. (And since brilliance doesn’t strike every day, how could I possibly replicate the BEST POST EVER!!)? This is when I – as we say in recovery circles – got the “eff-its” (except we aren’t a shy group and generally use the real F word) and gave up.

So that’s why I haven’t spoken to you in over a week. I know; I miss you, too. I will make it up to you soon. Promise.

P.S. Don’t you dare give me a guilt trip, as you hardly ever write back. (But I know you’re there, so thanks anyway.)

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Doomsday Hangover

May 25, 2011 in Uncategorized | 1 comment

So Doomsday didn’t actually happen. But it may as well have, what with Oprah going off the air and G graduating from pre-K. I mean, can you believe it? It seems like yesterday when she (Oprah) became a member of our family. And then we added Little G, and she insists on growing up. (What is up with these people moving on with their lives without considering the emotional burden on those surrounding them? Completely selfish, if you ask me.)

G insisted I dress up for graduation, so I brought my best. I even wore what my friend calls “valet shoes”, meaning you can only walk short distances in them. I was practically crippled halfway through the ceremony and resorted to sitting in one of those itty bitty Little Tykes chairs. Yes, this required my knees to rise higher than my ass. And yes, theoretically, my panties were most likely showing. Again.

Don’t you – no, don’t you dare! I feel you starting to judge me, and that’s not going to happen. Rather, I’m not going to feel your judgment. If you’d been wearing these evil 5-inch monstrosities, you would have sat (sitten?) your ass down, too. So you can go on and pass your judgment to Mr. Tommy Hilfiger, creator of H valet shoes. What an S.O.B! (except for the fact that he’s friends with Oprah, which surely makes us family. Auto-forgiveness. HOLLA!!)

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